So many plans
so many fervent nights
Desparate for the
elegant delusion
It was so convincing
the looming golden ticket
I’ve learned that the future self has to pay,
the memory drags on
hidden and unnourished
Suicidal rationalism
Libertarian dreaming
Voluntary dismemberment
Unengaged thoughts
Empty promises
Hotline hold times
The unmoored philosophy continues
ignored in its brutality
it’s inconvenience
Through the ever deepening sorrow
I have learned that the irrationality gains a stronghold
in the dark echo chamber
A tide washes over
blood rushing through
The owl snaps its head
held together by duress
Pipes burst
Bridges collapse
The ground caves in
The thought is unmistakeable
it’s all there is
When I ran myself off the cliff
When I holed myself into vacant spaces
When I wandered deep into the abyss
I lost faith in keeping the charade going
to see highest order goods
in a bottomless inferno
Frozen in time
dark soil nurtures
The endless drone of societal vigor
no longer pounds
Latent critters pass by
under the leafy canopy
Rain drops brush against my cheek
Miles of hidden beauty to traverse
for a brief moment appearing pure
Junction and switchback,
valley and creek,
I go deeper
losing all sense of time and place
It’s just me
the pouring rain
the darkening forest
I eventually return to where I started
a hazy memory of the journey
A short commute
a brief hello
a morning coffee
The spine twists
the body aches
the mind slips
Life is unmade by choice
guided by shame,
the unwavering beliefs
Memories conveniently pass by
replaying until burned to dust
or the film decays
Do you remember when you were here?
Do you know why you left?
Slowly I drift
spirit exiting into the ceiling fan
spilled into the fluorescent light
First the biofeedback fails
then the walls close in
and then the curtains close
Suffering averse
dark grey eyes
glued to the light
Embrace the eerie
incandescent glow
You never understood why those who
grovel, starve, suffer
hide from the radiance
Amidst the static
voices shout
You read the news didn’t you?
She is atrophying in front of your eyes
Thankfully you saw
She collapsed to the floor before the vultures
If only you had any power
Her children awaken, dazed and confused
If only someone gave you a break to help
Her spirit has been safely disposed of
Shove me down
Slam my skull into the barren sand
Drown me out
Make me doubt the existence of a heart
Every waking moment
the cortisol warps the floor underneath
Were we all born into weak backs and scoliosis chairs?
Did our teachers instruct us to put others down to get ahead?
Did God seek to expedite the customer deliverables?
As I commute home to clean the self-harm scizzors
I wonder if my job is on the chopping block next
He drifted into consciousness
downing an acidic brew
Just enough to get down the stairs
and into the piercing sunlight
He stumbles into the train car
listening to soft angelic singing
Hoping everything will be ok,
that he doesn’t need to eat today
But as he clocks into work
and a lifetime of bodily destruction sets in
it’s hard to not just want more aspertame
If he ever loses focus
he just downs a bottle at the space heater,
just one more day out of urgent care